Bernard Hoffman


Bernard hasn’t slept in years, so he has a lot of time on his hands, and he spends it cooking and reading conspiracy theories. He believes the Earth is flat. (Because so are pancakes.) He believes the ruling class are lizard people. (That’s why we don’t eat lizard, stupid.) The moon is a hologram. (Why else would it look like cheese?) And the recipe for perfect mocca muffins predict the end of the world. (Obviously!) Bernard is a bit intense, but he’s a sweet man, and he’s the best chef you’ll ever meet. His secret ingredient is coffee, he adds it to everything. Coffee is the only real cure for insomnia, (but they don’t want you to know that.).